Family Connections

Excerpt from: "LOVING PEOPLE"
by Dr. John Townsend -- Starting in page 90

.....You, as a loving person, need to remember this. If other people think that you only care about who they will become in the future, they will quickly and consistently resist your attempts to connect. They do not want you to look at them as you would a remodeling project, focusing on what things will look like after you "fix it." People want the relationship to be, as the old hymns says, "just as I am".

T H E R O L E OF PAIN

.....Having said that, this doesn't mean that if you have suffered in rela- tionships, or have been deprived of them, that you are not a connecting person or that you cannot become one. Some people feel disqualified from being a loving person because of a difficult childhood, marriage, or relationship. They wonder if they are damaged goods and are relegated to being a spectator in connections, but not a provider.

.....This is not true at all. Some of the warmest and most caring connections are people who have been deeply hurt and wounded. They have suffered all sorts of relational injury, such as withdrawal of love, criticism, and being controlled, abused and traumatized. and they are able to provide warmth and grace to those in their lives in very meaningful ways. How is this possible? It it is true that the more we receive the more we can give, shouldn't the converse also be true? Since I have received the bad, do I have little good to give?

.....There are a couple of reasons that hurt people can be connectors. One has to do with our values, what is important to us. Our values form our choices, direction, and paths in life. You may not have received a lot of the right kinds of love. And that may not have been your choice; in fact most of the time it is not our choice. But even though you have suffered from relational hurt, you can still have a value for connection and for relationship. That is, anyone can say, "I can't reach out, but I know it is a good thing, and I want to do this". that is a value. and values drive and motivate us to enter the process of healing and caring.

.....The other reason is that the presence of relationships that hurt you does not end things. That is not your final state. It means you need to take the efforts to get the right kinds of relationships from the right kinds of people. The good can heal what happened with the bad, and that is a vital reality that you need to experience and take risks on.

.....Sometimes this happens to us inadvertently, with out a lot of direction on our own. It is more an example of God stepping in and protecting us when we can't protect ourselves. For example, Nicole, (a person mentioned in an earlier part of this book) did not come from a loving, warm family. There were lots of problems, including a very detached and self-absorbed mother. Nicole's mom had very little to offer her, and Nicole was injured by this. However, her grandmother was a warm, accessible, and present person. She spent a great deal of time with Nicole, just listening, talking, and providing the warmth Nicole needed. Grandma had the resources for Nicole, and she loved deeply. This relationship continued during Nicole's developmentally formative years and probably save her from some serious emotional problems as a little girl. In fact, when her grandmother passed away, it was a bigger loss for Nicole than when her mom died. Her story is a perfect illustration of how "God places the lonely in families" when their original families do not have what is needed.

.....Then, as we grow up, we need to choose the right relationships. This doesn't mean that God has stopped protecting. It means we are to take some of the responsibility, because we are more able than we were as kids. We are to find and attach ourselves to emotionally healthy people who can help us finish the job of being a loved person. That is where nurturing churches, small groups, mentors, guides, coaches, therapists and all sorts of helping people become important. These connections can happen in your early years, and they can happen in you later years. The point is, connection needs to happen, and that set of experiences can heal the bad ones and provide you with what you need to be a connector.

.....The pain you experience then becomes a teacher for you. You can draw upon memories and the lessons learned and become deeply compassionate, patient, and graceful with others. Your hurt makes you more aware of, and sensitive to, the hurts of others.

.....Pain in and of itself is not a great thing, and I never like it when someone is told, "What you are going through will be good for you". that is simply not always true if no one is around to connect and help. Yet pain plus love and comfort can result in transformation, and that is the design for all of us.