watching the movie "BIG MOMMA's
HOUSE 2" for the third time,
Vern picked up on a
statement. "LOVING PEOPLE IS HARD WORK"
The movie was about
an FBI case that
involved a family not working
Vern searched the
five words on the
web and was lead to the book below.
Excerpt from: "LOVING PEOPLE"
by Dr. John Townsend --
Starting in page 90
as a loving person, need to remember this. If other people think that
you only care about who they will become in the future, they will
quickly and consistently resist your attempts to connect. They do
not want you to look at them as you would a remodeling project,
focusing on what things will look like after you "fix it." People
want the relationship to be, as the old hymns says, "just as I am".
E R O L E OF PAIN
said that, this doesn't mean that if you have suffered in rela-
tionships, or have been deprived of them, that you are not a connecting
person or that you cannot become one. Some people feel
disqualified from being a loving person because of a difficult
childhood, marriage, or relationship. They wonder if they are
damaged goods and are relegated to being a spectator in connections,
but not a provider.
not true at all. Some of the warmest and most caring connections
are people who have been deeply hurt and wounded. They have
suffered all sorts of relational injury, such as withdrawal of love,
criticism, and being controlled, abused and traumatized. and they
are able to provide warmth and grace to those in their lives in very
meaningful ways. How is this possible? It it is true that
the more we receive the more we can give, shouldn't the converse
also be true? Since I have received the bad, do I have little
good to give?
a couple of reasons that hurt people can be connectors. One has
to do with our values, what is important to us. Our values form
our choices, direction, and paths in life. You may not have
received a lot of the right kinds of love. And that may not have
been your choice; in fact most of the time it is not our choice.
But even though you have suffered from relational hurt, you can still
have a value for connection and for relationship. That is, anyone
can say, "I can't reach out, but I know it is a good thing, and I want
to do this". that is a value. and values drive and motivate
us to enter the process of healing and caring.
reason is that the presence of relationships that hurt you does not end
things. That is not your final state. It means you need to
take the efforts to get the right kinds of relationships from the right
kinds of people. The good can heal what happened with the bad,
and that is a vital reality that you need to experience and take risks
this happens to us inadvertently, with out a lot of direction on our
own. It is more an example of God stepping in and protecting us
when we can't protect ourselves. For example, Nicole, (a
person mentioned in an earlier part of this book) did not come from
a loving, warm family. There were lots of problems, including a
very detached and self-absorbed mother. Nicole's mom had very
little to offer her, and Nicole was injured by this. However, her
grandmother was a warm, accessible, and present person. She spent
a great deal of time with Nicole, just listening, talking, and
providing the warmth Nicole needed. Grandma had the resources for
Nicole, and she loved deeply. This relationship continued during
Nicole's developmentally formative years and probably save her from
some serious emotional problems as a little girl. In fact, when
her grandmother passed away, it was a bigger loss for Nicole than when
her mom died. Her story is a perfect illustration of how "God
places the lonely in families" when their original families do not have
what is needed.
we grow up, we need to choose the right relationships. This
doesn't mean that God has stopped protecting. It means we are to
take some of the responsibility, because we are more able than we were
as kids. We are to find and attach ourselves to emotionally
healthy people who can help us finish the job of being a loved
person. That is where nurturing churches, small groups, mentors,
guides, coaches, therapists and all sorts of helping people become
important. These connections can happen in your early years, and
they can happen in you later years. The point is, connection
needs to happen, and that set of experiences can heal the bad ones and
provide you with what you need to be a connector.
you experience then becomes a teacher for you. You can draw upon
memories and the lessons learned and become deeply compassionate,
patient, and graceful with others. Your hurt makes you more aware
of, and sensitive to, the hurts of others.
and of itself is not a great thing, and I never like it when someone is
told, "What you are going through will be good for you". that is
simply not always true if no one is around to connect and help.
Yet pain plus love and comfort can result in transformation, and that
is the design for all of us.